Writing is a process that does not come naturally for me. That sentence, alone, took eighteen tries.
Exaggerations aside, writing is an increasingly frustrating experience for me. I postulated that maybe I’m happier, and that writing for cathartic reasons was pointless as I had reached a happy point in my life. But for those of you that know my music listening habits, you’ll have noticed, and made fun of, the fact that my selections have been a little Cure-heavy lately.
So there’s still the need for me to spew mentally onto a piece of paper, and yet I fuss over word choice constantly. I abandon everything I write. I’ve given up any sliver of a dream to work as a television writer.
As for submitting works to other places, I remember im’ing my friend Eugene about the use of the word quantum. Eugene informed me that he knew where I was going with it, but he had an alternate idea for comedy. This is the conversation that ensued, verbatim (to protect Eugene, he has been renamed as Ken):
2:18 PM Ken: Synecdoche NY!
dude come up with like 2 halfway decent ones
and i guarantee a mcsweeneys shoe-in
2:23 PM me: hrmm
umm
allegory alleghany?
see
fuck this shit
I’m tired
i mean
i’ve been tired of this
2:24 PM fuck submitting to mcsweeney’s
the run the unfunniest shit I send to them
jsut cause it’s their style of shit
I just want to do what I THINK IS FUNNY
2:25 PM Ken: SCHLONG JOKES FOREVER
2:28 PM me: well
not forever
just for a schlong time
2:29 PM Ken: You have doubts about the schlongevity of this joke?
2:32 PM me: i do i do
2:35 PM Ken: Dont be a doubting schlongmas
2:36 PM me: dude, that’s kind of a stretch
And I am now at the point where I just really don’t want to write anymore, my thoughts disorganized. I suppose I could outline, to better bring what I write some sort of cohesion, but it really goes against why I like writing in the first place.
I work a technical job, that requires the right side of my brain. Any sort of logical process to writing makes it feel like work and school, and I need it to be as freeing as possible.
